Howdy Y’all!
Let me be the first to say “I’m sorry!” It’s been way too long since I contributed to this great publication (can we call ourselves that — a publication? Might be stretching it, but screw it). I have a great group of colleagues here at the Sector, and want to say that I have not intentionally been hiding in the shadows — life has just gotten in the way of things I would otherwise enjoy doing. So without rambling on much more about the sometimes depressing and otherwise dull realities, let me say I’m glad to be back!
“Who is this guy, we’ve never seen him here in the Sector before??!”
Well, in that case, let me take the opportunity to re-introduce myself. Think of it as something along the lines of your local supermarket having a grand re-opening after they recently completed renovations.
My name is Charlie, and to simultaneously borrow from and bastardize a classic George Jones line, I’m a high-tech, undercover redneck.
What the hell is a “high-tech, undercover redneck?”
The high-tech part is pretty straightforward. I’m a geek. Just like everyone else that writes here. I like technology. I find wireless telecommunications to be of particular interest (thus, you’ll encounter references to “HAM” from time to time — referring to ham radio), but I also enjoy dabbling in building electronics, voice over IP telephony, security systems, networking, and operating systems (FreeBSD is my favorite free OS, Mac OS X is my favorite commercial OS, and Haiku OS holds a special place in my heart because I used to mess around with the ahead-of-its-time BeOS way back in the day).
“OK, great. You’re a dork. Big deal. Is it possible for someone to be a dork AND a redneck simultaneously?! I thought the two were typically mutually exclusive…”
Ah, you see, that’s where the undercover qualifier plays its role. In the traditional sense of the word, I’m not a redneck. I grew up in a normal, suburban Virginia neighborhood near Washington, D.C. I’ve always been a nerd. I grew up accustomed to wasting away hours of my life in horrible traffic. I grew up in a house where I can see no less than 10 other houses when I look out of any given window. I didn’t play team sports (I was on a summer swim for a while, but that’s it), I spent hours at a time in front of the computer when my parents finally got one in 1995. I’ve never gone hunting. I know how to camp, but I couldn’t tell you what plants are edible, or what spiders and snakes are poisonous.
So, here we have just a few confessions from a guy who is clearly a technoid, but not much of a redneck. So how do I get away classifying myself as an undercover redneck? Well, I like many (not necessarily all) of the ideas practiced in redneckism. And I do actually meet some (but very few) qualifications for being a redneck.
For starters, I bought a house on 3 acres of land in a rural Virginia county about 65 miles away from Washington, D.C. My house is on a gravel road, and one of my neighbors drives around on his property (and sometimes on the gravel road) in an EZ-GO golf cart that sports a Confederate flag suspended on a fiberglass pole. Looking out my front window, I can only see one and a half houses. Looking out my bedroom window, I can’t see anything but the woods and the undeveloped 40 acre parcel of land next to mine. I frequently build large fires in my backyard. Gunshots originating both in the distance as well as across the street on my neighbor’s property are common — at least a few every hour or so, especially during hunting season. So, there you have it. My location alone is a pretty big redneck qualifier.
I enjoy firearms. Specifically, my right and the right of my fellow citizens to bear them. Shooting them is pretty fun, too. I think about and plan ahead for tactics involving the defense of my home. I recently discovered a free, public rifle range on some wildlife management area land nearby my house. It has inspired me to start shopping for a real rifle (suggestions, anyone? All I’ve got at the moment is a .22LR and a commie SKS that is in pieces).
How am I doing? I live in the sticks, and I like guns. Sounds pretty redneck to me. Well, that’s not all! I also enjoy documents such as the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Declaration of Independence! I like “the man” to stay out of my business. In other words, limited government. I’m somewhere between a Conservative, Constitutionalist and a Libertarian. Your average run of the mill elected official who claims to be a “conservative” these days is just a tax-and-spend democrat in disguise. When I say conservative, I’m talking Founding Fathers, give or take a little here and there.
What else? Pickup trucks. I love pickup trucks. And although I just traded in my 2004 Ford Ranger for a 2010 Subaru, I recently purchased a 1992 Chevy C/K 1500 longbed pickup. At $1,000 with 97,000 miles, it was a steal. She’s a true-blue all-American beater-mobile. The truck is white, but when I bought it, it had been sitting around idle for a few years, so it developed some pretty bad surface rust. Being an undercover redneck, I took an electric sander, ground away the rust, and applied a spray-can based primer. As a result, the truck’s body is now comprised of about 80% white paint, 20% gray primer. Oh, and it features an after-market dual exhaust that is obscenely loud. Cruizin’ in style!
All that said, in general I prefer the country life over the city/suburban life. Mowing my 1.5 acre lawn while nursing a cold beer on my riding mower, running with the local all-volunteer fire department/rescue squad, and chilling out on a crisp fall night in my back yard under the moon by the campfire. People are friendly out in the sticks — they wave to you when they drive by, not knowing you from Adam. They stop and talk to you at the post office. Life is simpler.
So there you have it. More than you ever wanted to know about me, why I’m a big nerd, and how deep down, I’ve got a little bit ‘o redneck in me.
Stay tuned for our next installment: How to get relatively* “high-speed” Internet when you live in the woods.
Welcome back, CW. I look forward to more posts about life as a nerd in the boonies.
Fantastic site, I really like your writing style. Very distinctive and concise. On a lot of blogs people just drone on and on, but not you – very nice. Keep up the great work! I find wireless phone technology very interesting. I have learned a lot in implementing a small VoIP network at home, and am thinking of starting VoIP business in my area. There are a number of small businesses in my region that would benefit from it greatly.