Easter, that less glorified of important Christian holidays, is finally upon us. If you have a religous, Catholic mother like I do, you might be spending part of it in church. And, if you’re lucky enough, you might go to the Easter Vigil mass, the 3 hour extravaganza of readings, pyrotechnics, and fiery baptisms.
My brother and I were watching the priest baptize some heathens when we came up with a brilliant idea: baptism by dunk tank. Sit the baptizee up on the chair, and let the priest hurl some baseballs at the target. They could even go all out with a full fledged carnival setting. I can hear it now:
“Step right up, folks! Don’t miss the priest baptize the unholy! Don’t forget, Father, you only get 10 balls. Come and find out, folks: will they be saved or damned to eternal hellfire?!”
Then a few booths down, the priest could dish out communion skee ball style. Instead of wafers, make some unleavened bread balls and roll ‘em up the lane. The recipients stand underneath the center hole, mouths open, and wait for Jesus to come through. Skee ball is a pretty hard game, though, so only a few people will be lucky enough to see immortal life.
Some other ideas:
- Baptism by squirt guns
- Confession via Gypsy palm readers
- Confirmation, Nickelodeon slime style
Leave your own ideas in the comments. The Catholic Church is leaving MILLIONS on the table, and they don’t even know it.
We had another sort-of related idea while at church. Some places, like Colorado or Arizona are very dry, so people use humidifiers in their homes. Well, there’s nothing better to come out of a humidifier than holy water vapor. Get a gallon of water blessed by a priest, turn on the machine, and enjoy the Holy Spirit filling your lungs.
I hope a fundamentalist does a Google search on Easter and gets this post. Happy Easter everyone!
HOLY SHIT YES
THIS IS AWESOME
Sam, you’re my Easter hero.